WTF Meter Reading 7.13 Goatse’s

Still absolutely awesome, though.

2008 Presidential Candidate Preferences

So normally, as I’m sure most people are well aware, I’m as likely to code-block cut-and-paste as I am to have a sudden attack of decisiveness and ask a girl if she’d care to start a relationship (i.e. not happenin’, much to the chagrin of all and sundry).

However: this is by far the best online poll/quiz I’ve ever taken, and to be honest, the way it’s done is inspiring for setting these sorts of things for myself one day. Give it a try. Really. Do it. It’s not lame, and takes about five minutes.

Commenting on the results themselves, it’s sort of interesting that I get a Republican first (I’m rather conservative in my political views, so no surprise there), but the next five are all democrats! Though, reading Obama’s speech about his pastor, I’ve got nothing but respect and admiration for the man.

81% John McCain
76% Barack Obama
75% Hillary Clinton
72% John Edwards
69% Bill Richardson
67% Chris Dodd
66% Mike Huckabee
66% Mitt Romney
62% Rudy Giuliani
58% Joe Biden
50% Fred Thompson
49% Dennis Kucinich
48% Mike Gravel
43% Tom Tancredo
34% Ron Paul

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

The Responsibility of the Blank Page

So I’ve been itching to write up this first post in my new blog for ages.

I want to chat about the responsibility that we have towards blank pages, and the paralysis that I think we all have when faced by it.

"Blank page" is my personal term for any project so new and so open to development that it intimidates. Given a large variety of options, or worse yet, a blank canvas or slate, and told "be creative". Inevitably, when this situation happens in my life, I sit around for ages, and do nothing, eventually getting bored and moving on, or getting somebody else to make the first move, and working from there. I get this with so many things, it’s astonishing that I ever achieve anything in my life.

When faced with a blank page, and told to draw, or write, or do whatever comes to mind, I’m immediately struck by the sense of responsibility I now have to do something intelligent, artistic, or amusing. And the worst part is knowing that the first decision will shape the rest of the project, to the point that it’s really the only hard part of any significant thing I do. Everything else is a support decision – the first decision is the maker or the breaker. Or at least, it feels that way

This, I suspect, is why it’s so easy to join an existing project than to join one – it’s easier to be a worker than an entrepreneur. If the project fails, you were only one small part of the machine that someone else introduced, inspired, and ultimately failed at completing.

And while locked in this paralysis of achieving nothing, I begin to feel guilty about not doing what I realize I could. Sometimes, this provides enough pressure to actually start, but projects begun from guilt rarely have the drive to be a strongly positive influence on anything.

So I’m stuck in this rut: never starting anything, but feeling this incredible need to. And knowing that if I do start something, now that I feel guilty about it, it will lead to the failure that I feared in the first place.

I think the RIGHT response, in this situation, is to acknowledge the cause of that guilt: the responsibility that we have towards blank pages. I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite series I’ve ever watched, Firefly (quote taken from Wikiquotes):

Zoë: I don’t give a good gorram about relevant, Wash, or objective. And I ain’t so afraid of losing something that I ain’t gonna try to have it. [tenderly] You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.

This quote is an inspiration to me in this area. I really feel that I (we?) have a responsibility to the things that we could/should/will create, to go in with excellence, and to Just Do It. With that responsibility (instead of guilt) as the driving force, I find that I can live in greater freedom to do what pleases me and do it excellently, than living in the guilt until I’m driven to produce a work that disgusts me by it’s lack of quality.

The other things that paralyzes me in outworking my creativity is fear of criticism. I generally fear my creativity – or, more to the point, my ability to outwork my creativity – being criticized. Sometimes the fear is legitimate, but it’s also often a combination of self-esteem, insecurity, and breaking into new ground (and not wanting to be "that guy who is trying, isn’t he cute, who’s trying so hard, but it’s his first time, *tsk*, so go easy on him"). None of which are valid reasons. Really.  I can generally do whatever I set my mind to, I’m fairly confident in myself, and everybody has to start in the ‘new guy’ phase. I really just need to get over myself, suck it up, and do what needs to be done. Which brings us back to responsibility.

This blog is one responsibility I feel I can pick up on. For ages, I’d only write blog entries under certain conditions: normally, only in the evenings. Normally, alone, in a room, with music playing but turned low, with low-ish lighting, having spent an evening talking about something and getting emotionally psyched- (or wound-) up enough to feel like I had something to say.

But that really is bull! I’ve got every reason not to blog then, being emotionally provocative, and every reason to blog when I’m in a more sober mood, when I’m actually in the meat of the day (between doing Real Work of course, and certainly not avoiding it!), when I have something to say about my actual life.

So that’s my new schtick: I’m going to try this whole blogging, creativity thing more. I will fear less. I will shoulder my burden of responsibility I bear towards things I will one day ‘have made’. Because, in the words of Hillel the Elder, famous Jewish religious leader (again from Wikiquotes):

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?